Diary

31/03/2026 - Oh hi there!

Well! It's been a while, hasn't it? A quick summary of events for ya: I started, T, stopped T, started that new job I was talking about in my last entry, been in and out of hospital a few times, got a cat, and applied for university. A lot, huh? Following the order of my last entry, I'll start with why I have stopped T after only 6 months (funnily enough, it also explains the hospital thing!).

Stopping T

I should've seen this coming, but I really didn't want to think about this as a possibility when I started it. When I was going through puberty 1, I had a lot of health problems. I was almost constantly having heart palpitations for no reason, always felt weak, and needed at least 12 hours of sleep a night, usually more. That, combined with the mental health problems I was going through at the time (I still have them, just manage them better), caused me to drop out of high school. Now, come december last year, I started getting those issues again. I was always exhausted, having 2-3 cups of coffee a day at work, constantly had "tired headaches", and kept on getting random heart palpitations.The heart palpitations were what finally broke me. They were really annoying, making me feel randomly anxious when I was doing something as minor as knitting. In fact, it was the night that I got palpitations while knitting that I gave in and called Healthline. They pretty much told me that I should go to the doctor in the morning, but if it gets worse before then, to go straight to hospital.

So I went to hospital, and after a few hours, the doctor (who was very nice) was like "I'm so sorry, I have no idea what's causing this", which if you're like me, you are used to hearing. I was then sent home, with a note to come straight back to hospital if I got back pain. You'll never guess what happened a week later.

My second/third visit (you'll see) was much more eventful. Instead of going by ambulance like last time, my lovely gran drove me (and my friend who was staying the night), and I was checked in and given a bed for monitoring and everything. My friend and gran went home after a few hours, and by about 7am (9+ hours later), I was checked out, because they couldn't find any additional cause for concern. As I was waiting in the pick up area for my gran to show up, I started feeling incredible nauseous and lightheaded, and my back pain severely increased in its intensity.

I ran back inside, told the nurse that I was just checked out but I feel really awful. She told me to sit down, so I went and sat sideways on a bench, with my legs up on the other chairs, trying to not throw up, and the next thing I knew I was waking up on the floor. I proceeded to get re-triaged, and didn't leave until ~5pm. I had a bunch of different tests, including a CT scan, and they still couldn't find any cause for the pain, fainting, or palpitations. That doctor was also really nice, giving me some of her lunch after she discovered I hadn't eaten properly since about 9pm the previous night, and she comforted me a bit when I started crying. 10/10 doctor.

Anyways, all of this was to say that, after those hospital visits, I talked to my mum a bit about my symptoms and everything, and she agreed with my thoughts that it sounded eerily similar to the problems I was going through during puberty 1, especially since my younger brother, who is currently going through the throes of puberty, was experiencing similar (but not as severe) symptoms as I was. I made the executive decision to not get my next shot, which would've been the beginning of this month (March 2026), and can already say that I am feeling better. I don't feel nearly as tired as merely a month ago, and no longer am experiencing nearly hourly palpitations.

I don't regret going on T, nor do I blame my doctor for the issues I experienced from it, because there isn't really any way we could've predicted this. I'm a little sad I can't keep going on it any more, but am glad I had the opportunity to go on it in the first place.

Adopting a cat

Now on to a slightly lighter topic! I adopted a cat! She's a 5 year old tuxedo cat named Gremmy, and she is the most anxious cat I have ever met. Also she has a really bad staring problem, and probably the worst case of selective hearing I have ever seen. She doesn't respond to any attempts to get her attention, but she DOES jump at the sound of Feijoas falling on to the deck. Every time. Additionally, I think she's grown attatched to me. She doesn't leave my room if I'm not home, and when I am home, she doesn't like being separated from me for more than 5 minutes at a time. Like she will start pawing at the bathroom and toilet door if I have been in there for too long. She's also learned my work schedule, and leaves my room at about 10:30 every night to wait by the door for me to come in (source: my gran). I've been struggling over the last few months with my anxiety (which, now that I'm thinking about it, probably also has something to do with the T), and having a little kibty to come home to each night, and to sleep next to me, is definitely helping reduce it.

Anyway, that's it for now. I'll try and go on my computer more often, but it's a little less exciting to have computer time, when your entire job is computer time (Which is why this is the first time I've been on it all year). Bye bye!!

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03/09/2025 - Big Week

I'm writing this on the train home as it's the first time I've had free time in about a week but a LOT has happened. Here is a brief overview:

• I started T!!!! (as of yesterday)
• Possibly got a job?? (also as of yesterday)
• Bought ~30 comics (for under $200)
• Played a lot of PJSK and watched more Supernatural

Starting T

My doctor is so cool man. I asked to go on T last friday and I got my first shot the following tuesday. Literally incredible. (Note: I have been considering going on T since I was like 13 and am going on it for more reasons than transgender ones so that may have contributed to my fast-tracking). This is very much NOT a common experience in New Zealand, I have friends who had to be on a waitlist for up to 2 years and pass a myriad of psych evals and go to specialists. I kind of expected to be fast tracked a little (due to past experiences with this doctor) but not THAT fast. My (also trans) friend came in with me and he said he was INCREDIBLY shocked at just how quick it happened.

I'm currently on the 3-month dose (because I travel for 3+ hours to see my doctor and didn't want to have to come down every 2-3 weeks) and obviously haven't noticed any changes as it happened yesterday, other than the fact my ass hurts. Who'd a thunk getting stabbed with a needle would hurt, huh? Anyways, I'm not sure how long I'll stay on T for. Currently I'm thinking I'll stay for about a year, as I don't want to binarily/fully transtition but definitely want to look confusing to cis people. I'm priveleged in the fact I don't experience much dysphoria (though i DEFINITELY have those times) so I could probably stop any time I want. Also for some reason I feel the need to add this for others' curiosity sake: It cost a total of $39.50 for me to go on T (excluding previous diagnosises which lead me to possibly being fasttracked)

Comic books :3

There is this AMAZING store where my parents live where someone is seemingly clearing out their comic collection and is selling them for DIRT FUCKING CHEAP. LIKE I GOT 3 FULL ICONIC RUNS FOR $150. BRO. The runs I specifically got were:

• Green Arrow Year 1 by Diggle and Jock
• Superman for All Seasons by Jeph Loeb and Tim Sale
• The Human Target by Tom King and Greg Smallwood

I also bought some comics from the local comic book store, specifically Ms Marvel volume 3 (I like collecting her og runs) and a random America Chavez comic that was in their bins of past runs, and they also gave me a Hulk comic which was nice of them. I'm not a big hulk fan but I'll give it a shot i guess.